I haven’t posted anything in weeks. It seems like a long time – but it’s only been a month. Not that long really but time has a funny way of moving forward these days.
It has been almost six months since Mike passed away. And the last couple of weeks have been a challenge. To be honest, I got tired of it all. My will to move forward diminished. I became extremely sad. I got easily frustrated with my job search and started to dwell on the uncertainty of the future. My doubts came crashing in. Hard. I wanted someone to tell me “it will be OK” and I wanted that someone to be Mike. I know that others care deeply for me and yet what can be said? At the end of the day it is my grief to process through and no one can do it for me. The following picture pretty much sums it up:
You see, that’s me in the boat. I was sailing along and then out of the blue, this wave of grief hit me. There is no way I could outrun it because I didn’t even know it was coming. I’ve certainly had my share of sad, angry, frustrated days. But this was altogether different. It was the kind of wave that made me feel like the blankets on my bed were too heavy to lift in the morning. The kind of heaviness that disrupts all your thinking and ability to string two words together. The “I can’t find my way out of a paper bag” kind of feeling. I found myself saying for the first time, “I’ve been through a lot”. And while I was afraid to allow myself to be overcome by that wave, I knew in my head that it had to be. So while I was being tossed and turned and my mind and emotions were thrown about, I realized I had to cling onto something for fear that I would not ever resurface. One morning I came across this poem by Annie Porter Johnson:
The day had gone; alone and weak
I groped my way within a bleak
And sunless land.
The path that led into the light
I could not find! In that dark night
God took my hand.
He led me that I might not stray,
And brought me by a new, safe way
I had not known.
By waters still, through pastures green
I followed Him – the path was clean
Of briar and stone.
The heavy darkness lost its strength,
My waiting eyes beheld at length
The streaking dawn.
On, safely on, through sunrise glow
I walked, my hand in His, and lo,
The night had gone.
He brought me up out of the dark, turbulent waters of grief. And He will do it again…and again….and again.
I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave, you are there. If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me. Psalm 139:7-10
He is the One who knows me completely. And while no human being can fix this for me or take away the pain, I have a Heavenly Father who knows me perfectly. He knows my every thought. And so I will hold on to Him knowing He will guide me and support me even when I cannot see. And I will never ever be alone.