The Wave

I haven’t posted anything in weeks.  It seems like a long time – but it’s only been a month.  Not that long really but time has a funny way of moving forward these days.

It has been almost six months since Mike passed away. And the last couple of weeks have been a challenge.  To be honest, I got tired of it all.  My will to move forward diminished. I became extremely sad. I got easily frustrated with my job search and started to dwell on the uncertainty of the future. My doubts came crashing in. Hard. I wanted someone to tell me “it will be OK” and I wanted that someone to be Mike. I know that others care deeply for me and yet what can be said? At the end of the day it is my grief to process through and no one can do it for me.  The following picture pretty much sums it up:

Ships_The_ship_and_the_wave_of_the_tsunami_022366

 You see, that’s me in the boat.  I was sailing along and then out of the blue, this wave of grief hit me. There is no way I could outrun it because I didn’t even know it was coming.  I’ve certainly had my share of sad, angry, frustrated days. But this was altogether different. It was the kind of wave that made me feel like the blankets on my bed were too heavy to lift in the morning. The kind of heaviness that disrupts all your thinking and ability to string two words together. The “I can’t find my way out of a paper bag” kind of feeling. I found myself saying for the first time, “I’ve been through a lot”. And while I was afraid to allow myself to be overcome by that wave, I knew in my head that it had to be. So while I was being tossed and turned and my mind and emotions were thrown about, I realized I had to cling onto something for fear that I would not ever resurface. One morning I came across this poem by Annie Porter Johnson:

The day had gone; alone and weak

I groped my way within a bleak

And sunless land.

The path that led into the light

I could not find! In that dark night

God took my hand.

He led me that I might not stray,

And brought me by a new, safe way

I had not known.

By waters still, through pastures green

I followed Him – the path was clean

Of briar and stone.

The heavy darkness lost its strength,

My waiting eyes beheld at length

The streaking dawn.

On, safely on, through sunrise glow

I walked, my hand in His, and lo,

The night had gone.

He brought me up out of the dark, turbulent waters of grief. And He will do it again…and again….and again.

I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
If I go up to heaven, you are there;

if I go down to the grave, you are there.  If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me. Psalm 139:7-10

 He is the One who knows me completely. And while no human being can fix this for me or take away the pain, I have a Heavenly Father who knows me perfectly. He knows my every thought. And so I will hold on to Him knowing He will guide me and support me even when I cannot see.  And I will never ever be alone.

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8 thoughts on “The Wave

  1. Lloyd Bayreuther says:

    Hi Patty,
    When I walk by my sister’s memorial at Harkness Park overlooking the water, I know something changed and which will never be again. I feel the same way as I walk by the East Lyme Town Hall expecting to see Mike’s Tahoe.
    Heidi and I pray for you, Molly, Becky, Keith and the grandchild each morning. We will continue.
    Love to you all, Lloyd

  2. Kim Stirtan says:

    Thank you Patty for your honest journey through grief 🙂
    I look forward to your blogs as I am learning much from your journey and how great our God is-thank you!
    Love,
    Kim

  3. Christine Ring says:

    Patty, you are a brave and strong woman and Mike is with you every moment of your day.

  4. Aunt peg says:

    patty, please hold onto the hope…please…..you have so much life in you, so much to give, so much to share, so much to see and do….challenge that wave and know that you, that IT, will be okay…,I know it’s not Mike telling you that, but if he were here, he would tell you that it’ll be okay…..it’ll be okay…..Mike is here…keep talking with him…..

  5. Carmen says:

    He is always with you. And so are your friends and family. We love you Patty.

  6. Susan Bever says:

    Only God knows the depths you are walking…and He understands. I often wonder if everything people say and do can seem incapable of helping; because what you really want and who you really miss is Mike. Please keep resting and I will keep asking the Lord to provide the comfort and strength and hope you need day by day. I will be asking God to give you that ‘something good’ every day….

  7. Susan Bever says:

    in our home group tonight; we talked about the story God is telling in our lives and how hard, and yet how important it is to ‘watch and pray…’ we will watch and pray with you to see how God will help you and guide you next…

  8. Debbie Collins says:

    Patty, The wave may engulf you, but know God is following you in its depth. And when God pulls you to the surface, your friends and family will be there with open arms.

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