I was up early today and thought I’d write something about my time in Haiti. But then I saw this draft and for some reason I feel like it needs to be published. Maybe someone who reads it will know why…….
Written April 22, 2015 at 12:49AM:
It’s been such a long time since I’ve been able to find words that express what life is like lately. My last blog post was about one year ago. One long year ago. My journal has gaps in it. Days, weeks, and months with not a single word to be found. This post is full of pauses, wrestling to find a word, swirling thoughts. It is work.
“Do you ever feel like life is flying by for others and you are standing still?” This was a question asked by an acquaintance who suffered a terrible loss almost two years ago. Yes. I get it. Sometimes I feel as though I am wearing Mike’s big waders schlogging through waist deep water, heading upstream; pulling a barge behind me…filled with coal. Get the picture?! But it’s been 2 1/2 years! I should be “over it”! Life moves on!
I started a few posts about “the second year”. After a loss, the first year can be a blur. You have all those “firsts” to anticipate and get through. But then the second year comes and the numbness of the first year has worn off. Now you get to go through the realization that the loss is permanent. And you start to wonder how you want to recognize each milestone. Or not. You continue to work through the practical pieces of life without your loved one. Life goes on for those around you. Grief becomes more private. More internal. And then the “third year” comes. I had glimmers of this new life. There were some moments of familiarity. Something I had not felt in a long time. I even started to feel that I was going to “make it”. Whatever “it” is. And then the next shoe dropped. Another loss. Someone who was a mentor, father figure, and friend. I never thought another significant loss would come so soon. It has rocked my world in a way that I do not even have words to describe. There is silence. A very quiet time. The quiet I relished a year ago, the quiet that gave me rest, is not the quiet of today. It is a reminder. It is an empty quiet.
There is a tremendous desire to look back. To relive days gone by; what it was like. There is a tendency to look ahead. To imagine what life will look like. Neither helps. Both are overwhelming and evoke
And that is where the post ends. It is fitting that the sentence was never finished because that is what life feels like sometimes. Words are elusive. And I’ve learned that it’s ok. For me, it is important to feel within that moment; to be willing to go to that place where it hurts, because I know that unless I feel that sorrow, I cannot experience the full depth of joy that life brings. It is this work that I am committed to. It is a willingness to be uncomfortable and to have faith, believing that healing and strength will come from the momentary pain. I can say this with confidence because since this post was first written, I’ve experienced greater strength, joy, and peace than I ever thought possible.
Press on, friends. You are not alone. You are loved.